We are such stuff As dreams are made on,

Preface: This is written like this because it reflects my unsure-ness on the topic. Punctuation contributes to order, but my belief on this wasn't truly ordered. It was formed as it was written.

what does it mean to be yourself? people are always telling you to be yourself, that's best, just be yourself, but what do they even mean? to what do i refer when i seek to be myself? this is interesting. what on earth does it mean to be myself?

recently i've been struggling with the idea of self. be yourself. who am i? i've noticed that in real life situations, i'm somewhat of a shapeshifter. i simply take the place of that which isn't there. if there is a group of people filled with predominately talkative, confident, outspoken people, i will almost inevitably become the shy listener, the one who barely contributes but absorbs everything. on the other hand, if a situation arises wherein the majority are in fact quiet and soft-spoken, i take it upon myself to initiate conversation and act more confidently.

i can't understand this. it seems that there is some general consensus (to which i wasn't invited to contribute) that states there is a self that you can be; you can simply reach into yourself and pull him out to assist you in these difficult times. be yourself. i don't know who i am! how can i be myself?

i know what i like; i know what i think of stuff; i know my qualities and personal history very well. if i and somebody else were given a quiz on me, i would indubitably destroy them in it. in this sense, i know myself the most, but this is not the self that everybody else refers to. everybody else refers to the perception of me. be yourself. i can't be a series of facts and likes and dislikes; what they ask of me is to be a persona. to have a personality. but the trouble is, the route of personality -- persona -- means mask in greek. masks are created to be removed, changed, to present with different fronts. and this is what people do, by nature. it's a funny thing how language can capture such intimate truths. but my point is, you ask me to be myself, and you clearly refer to my personae -- because it's impossible to be a series of likes, dislikes, and facts -- but these masks change. they change on everybody. some people may view my mask different because they stand in a different position, and the light falls on it now graciously, now grotesquely, now in a nature most profound. 

so what can i do? i can't be myself because i can't be a series of likes, dislikes, and facts; i can't be my personae because i have too many to choose from. and they affect people in an innumerable amount of ways. what do i do? there is no self to be.

so i sit in this dusty cellar of a mind, with my facts and my likes and my dislikes and also an array of masks, and i look at it all and ponder. am i doomed to the fate of an actor? is all i can do act? and it HITS me. BANG. language, you beautiful motherfucker, you reveal these hidden, intimate truths once more! when we think of acting, we think of pretending, being false. but there is a reason that it shares a name with its other meaning: to do, to go forth with an action. and at this point we must reach out and grab occam's razor to understand what that reason is. why do these two different meanings share the same name? it is the simplest reason: THEY ARE THE SAME. 

to act is to do is to pretend is to act. they are all the same. unless you wish to remain inactive, static, and become a nothing, you must act; you must pretend; you must do. we're all actors. shakespeare got it right in the tempest.

and so "be yourself" is "act". don't fuss over who you are, simply do. you have your personae at your disposal; enter the world with your likes and your dislikes and your facts and your masks and act to the very end. it's all you can do. you can't be your qualities -- that's impossible. you can only act them, if you wish to show them.

On Being Alone,

I do not doubt that experiencing things with others, sharing the moment, is indeed more fulfilling than being lonely, but recently I’ve been mentally toying with the idea of becoming slightly more… alone. I don’t mean actively isolating myself; I simply mean halting in the pursuit of sociability. But I shall explain.

This doesn’t stem from a dislike of those who surround me; it comes from my noticing that in adolescent culture so much focus is put on having the company of others. Sure, this isn’t a bad thing, but the emphasis is so strong that sometimes one can equate, in the eyes of the adolescent Zeitgeist, happiness with having company. So where does that leave those without company? Logically, without happiness. I’ve found that, being so immersed in the adolescent Zeitgeist (what with being a teen myself and all), these equations of company = happiness & -company = sadness  can actually become true to you and drag you into this (what I think may be unnecessary) sense of melancholy or even depression. It’s an unfortunate mind-frame because, although some people seem to be able to connect with others oh-so easily and maintain this — for lack of a better word — party (as in “group of people” or “social gatherings”, whichever you prefer) lifestyle, for others it doesn’t come quite as easily (perhaps they’re at a disadvantage somehow) and, instead of being encouraging and supporting the it’s-okay-to-be-alone ideology, the adolescent Zeitgeist makes them wear the crown of sadness.

My point here anyway is that I’ve been forced into wearing the aforementioned crown more than once or twice because I haven’t necessarily felt that there was somebody I could always connect with, but — inspired by the embedded video — I’m going to attempt to yank myself out of the Zeitgeist and embrace being alone. I’m not going to try unnaturally to be social; I’m just going to be me, attempting to chase goals and just be happy. It sounds sappy, but everyone’s primary goal is to be happy; nobody can say that they wish not to be happy. And by yanking myself out of the Zeitgeist, I may get closer in this pursuit of happiness.

Just to be clear (for myself more than anything):

-I won’t be trying overly hard to be social.

-I won’t be walking around feeling embarrassed not to be with anyone; I won’t feel the need to chill with people I’m uncomfortable chilling with just to avoid being alone.

- I won’t mind just sitting in the library or a coffee shop, doing some work, maybe reading, perhaps writing if my mood swings that way. Or just taking walks, listening to music, watching the world work around me. Anything. I’ll discover a whole new solitary side of experience.

- To be sure as well, I won’t be rejecting occasions to be social. If I’m invited somewhere, I won’t say “no” because I’ve yanked myself from the Zeitgeist; I’m not becoming a recluse. I simply won’t be depressed if the occasions don’t arise.

Two Epiphanies

i

It’s 6.10 AM; I haven’t got any sleep tonight, but I’ve just had an epiphany. Ever since starting my A Levels, I’ve had an internal struggle: what do I want to do at uni? English or Philosophy?

It’s clear to me now that I have to do Philosophy. I just have to. 

ii

As a rule, face what seems even not in my favour. I can just imagine a reader of this looking at that and thinking, What?! That’s your almighty epiphany? But for me, it really is. It just sort of snapped perfectly in my mind. I think in the past a major thing that’d stop me from doing is the anticipation of failure. But now, it just hit me: revolution only comes about when people face what earlier seemed impossible or tremendously difficult. And I’m a revolutionist (not in the political sense; in a personal sense, i.e. I embrace change). Ah, this is why I love insomnia! EPIPHANIES.