Tired ramblings on Emotional Vanity, fit with abrupt ending.

I write this with that tangible feeling of sleep that surrounds the bottom of your eyes, like heavy fog. What I'm trying to say is: I'm tired. So if this is slightly disconnected or overly fluffy or just crap, that's why. But I haven't written a blog post in a while, and I do have something to say.

It's gotten to a point where I can't stand myself any more. I want to pause and consider myself. I'm still in the early stages of sixth form college, so in a way there is still possibility for me to recreate myself, but I hesitate at that idea. Why do I hesitate? I don't exactly disdain the character that I am; this isn't about self-hate. No, I like the person that I really am - I like this inner-me, so to speak, but it's difficult to reach him.

There are too many layers to me, layers of thought and care, that seriously need to be stripped back so my inner-self can become my prominent self. Let's make the distinction: the outer-me cares too much about the relation of himself to other people. That's his main problem. He cares about what people think of him; he cares about people liking him; he cares, generally, about making a good impression. This seems all good and well on the surface of things, but it isn't. It's - as Wittgenstein saw it, and as I agree - a horrid vanity. It's difficult to get over it, though. Caring too much about what people think of me makes it harder to interact with Truth; it makes it harder to be myself - I... It makes me lack confidence; it makes me shy - it makes me almost useless. As I see it, it creates empty connections with people - empty, hollow connections. Connections based on the fact that I want you to like me, so I've acted a certain way for that to happen. As opposed to: I've been myself and you've liked me, so we have a meaningful relation.

The problem is it takes a great courage - one that, perhaps, I don't have - to be yourself and to completely disregard what people might think of you. The light at the end of the tunnel in this scenario is the fact that you'll gain meaningful relationships as opposed to hollow relationships based on somebody who isn't truly you, but there is a risk... What if nobody likes the real you? How does one deal with being completely alone?

Realistically, I believe there would be at least one person who likes me - the real me, the me this blog sees - but it's a worry to me that people may not understand it... Perhaps they would like me and potentially a meaningful connection could be formed, but if I mis-present the real me, they won't get it, and that potential will be lost. But then, ah, aren't I now thinking too much about how to present myself - aren't I now being horridly vain?

It seems that vanity can, with near-certainty, bring about vapid relationships,
but only truth can, with almost no certainty, bring about meaningful connections.

There seems to be one imperative thing I need to learn, it seems, before I can form any new meaningful connections. That imperative thing being: I need to learn how to deal with being alone. Ah, but then that is counter-productive ... If I can deal with being alone, then what need is there for me to gain any meaningful connections? There would be none. Besides, I can't deal with being alone.

I just need to believe in truth. I can't change myself - more specifically, what I do is dilute myself so I'm, on first impression, more agreeable - if I'm to make meaningful connections. There can't be any dilution.

I need to drop my emotional vanity.